digging

some days I am just tired of life, irrevocably tired of the everyday

I want something new and exciting, but sometimes I feel so bogged down that I just don't want to try. I've been "cleaning" my room for weeks now, still sleeping with piles of clothes on my bed, or at least trying to sleep. When I try to sleep my brain is spinning, whirling mad off in 100 different directions leading nowhere. I normally think about all the things I need to do tomorrow, the things I haven't gotten done today, all the things that I will forget to do, the things I don't want to do, and the things that I will try to ignore despite their utter importance in the continuation of my attempt at a "successful life." Sometimes the hole seems just a little bit too deep to pull myself out, but not so deep that I forgot what the surface looks like. Maybe that's why I keep sitting there, I'm not panicked to get out, I'm not at rock bottom, I know I'll get out eventually, someway or another. probably.

Boredom breeds sloth and bad habits with me, and I can feel them coming on, and I just don't care enough to fight it right now.

I need to find something to do and throw myself into with a slightly unhealthy mania, then I'll be in superwoman mode and I will somehow make everything fall into place and work like nothing ever skipped a beat.

My to do lists are long, and I have several, and I actually write them out. I have the things to do today, the things that I need to actually do today, the things I plan to skip even though I should have done them yesterday, the things to do tomorrow, and then the big picture list. Now the big picture list is the most important, and as a result the least worked upon. Things like confirm graduation, get all credits transferred, get money for plane tickets to Guana, fill out my dive log to maintain my certification I need to even dive on Guana, fill out job applications, submit job applications, look for jobs, and get the balls to just email professors about grad school.

Any time now that rope will be lowered, I'll crawl out, work my ass off, and get started on a new hole.